midwestern magnolia

all i ever wanted...

2010-09-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

Ten fingers and ten toes.

That's the shorthand, isn't it? "What do you want?" "Oh, we just want him to have ten fingers and ten toes; a healthy baby, that's all!"

It's so simple, and, right then, so true. Later, things get complicated.

I want him to be kind.

...to be himself.

...to be joyful.

...to make wise decisions.

...to grow up.

...to stay little.

The wants, those daunting tasks, keep you awake at night. And then, he laces his five healthy fingers into yours, smiles, says "I love you, Mom."

It's so simple, so complex, and all you've ever wanted.

This was part of the 100 words challenge, over at Velvet Verbosity. This week's prompt, "fingers".

100 words....challenged

2010-08-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

Encouraged by my friend Gregg, I decided to try my hand at the 100 words challenge. I had actually composed an entry for last week's prompt, but deleted it in a fit of "you are not a writer so why would you play at this?" insecurity. Then G told me I should do one. So. This week, I did. Writing off the prompt was easy, getting it to 100 words was haaaaard.

Here it is...this week's prompt was corridor.

****
Jim slowed to a walk as he approached the creek bed. Pop's funeral was a damn poor reason to return to Monrovia, he thought. Jim remembered those long-ago childhood Saturdays, felt the cool creek water rushing around his calves as Pop helped him reel in his very first fish. Nothing tasted better than that first bite...

The delivery truck's rumble interrupted Jim's reverie. The creek was actually kind of...brown. Runoff, he supposed, from the condo construction upstream. Jim walked back toward his rental Honda, sidestepping the full restaurant dumpsters, past the sun-bleached sign: "The Monrovia Creek Business Corridor...Progress IS our Future!"

metamorphosis

2010-05-09T08:18:00.000-07:00

If every blog entry represents a story, or part of one, this one starts in the middle. Yesterday was the 2010 Sole Burner 5K. I ran in it. It was my first 5K, and I finished it--all of it running, even the Hill of Hope (or as i have been calling it in dread for the past few months, That Damn Hill), in a respectable (for me) time.

That's the middle of the story. The beginning? Well, it depends on how far back you want to go. I could go back as far as grade school, or high school, but that makes the story longer.

So the background information you need is this: all my life, I was not a runner. No matter how in shape I was, or how athletic, I never ran. I Was Not A Runner.

The real story begins in...oh, October of 2008. The cast of characters includes a group of very dear friends, and the setting a lovely apartment with a lake view. There was a gathering--the very first wine club. Four of the wine club members had recently (that day? I think) run a local 5K as a team, and took first place. As we all talked about it and celebrated with them, one of them (maybe all of them) turned to me and said "You should run it with us next time!"

I was flabbergasted. Me? Run a 5K? Were they kidding? Have they looked at me lately? I would just embarrass myself even trying to run with these people.....but that comment stuck with me. I mean, they must have thought I could do it, to say that, right? And I remembered that a year ago, the day before I found out I was pregnant with Benjamin, I had found this training program called Couch to 5K. That sounded about right...maybe I could try it.

There were a lot of fits and starts, but I really started in earnest in Spring 2009. I was part of an online community of friends, and many of the community members were also doing C25K. So I started, on the treadmill. I did some crosstraining in the pool. Later that summer, I ventured outside, and made it up to 2.5 miles by September. Then, the semester came, and I fell off the wagon, hard. By Christmas, though, I was ready to recommit. I had asked for a Garmin Forerunner 305 for Christmas, and got it. And, I was sick of feeling gross, fat, and out of shape. So back to the gym I went. Had some setbacks along the way (shin splints, ew), but made it through the C25K program.

And this brings me to yesterday, standing in City Park in Appleton with about 6000+ other people in the 39 degree weather, with a slight rain and wind, waiting for the start of the Sole Burner. I had been nervous all week, because my training runs leading up to the race were not going well. I just felt kind of burned out on training. So I stopped--Monday before the race was my last "long" (for me) run. I spent the week resting and reminding myself of the one thing that had kept me going...a good run was really quite fun. It felt good. And that's what I signed up to do...have fun, and just finish. That's all I needed to do. The week before the race, the weather forecast got progressively worse. Finally, the night before my race, my parents and I (I was staying at their place in Neenah the night before) sat on their couch and chastised George Graphos for having the nerve to SMILE when he talked about the prediction of snow and rain on the morning of May 8.

As I drifted off to sleep in the little bedroom at my parents' house, in the bed my son sleeps in when he stays over, I told myself that no matter what, I could say my first race was an adventure. The next morning, I woke up to sprinkles and chilly temperatures....but no snow. The rain continued as I drove to Appleton, but it eventually slowed to a slight mist. I stood in the park and watched the kids run around the block in two separate fun runs, and took in the scene. Thousands of people, all with their own stories, united in a common goal of challenging themselves (whether it be in a walk or a run) and in raising money for the American Cancer Society. I saw many t-shirts with dedications to cancer patients on them. I heard one mom say to her daughters, "remember, this is for Grandma!" I saw a man with a shirt saying "I survived cancer and 53 years...it's my birthday!" It was a poignant scene, at once sad and celebratory.

This is a big race, and everyone starts at once. Since I knew I was not an elite racer, I lined up towards the back, so there was quite the bottleneck at the beginning. It took over a minute to get through the start, but eventually we were off. We headed toward College Avenue, and then over the new College Avenue bridge. I wish I could give more details about the race itself, but it seemed to go so fast! Here are the things I remember, in chronological order.

**The walkers off to the side who were singing songs as they went
**The beautiful old homes on Franklin and on College Avenue, and people coming out of the houses to watch.
**Someone shouting out "One Mile!" as we came off the bridge, and me thinking "already?"
**The first hill on South River, which many people around me stopped and walked up, even though it was pretty minor to me. That was my first clue that maybe my training had really done something for me after all.
**The water station. I didn't need it, but there were volunteers there cheering us on.
**"TWO MILES!" A volunteer calling out our times, which were about 1:20 off from what my Garmin said
**Wondering when I'd see my parents...I wasn't sure where they'd be.
**Coming around Olde Oneida, where one woman cheered every runner on, shouting "Just one curve and a tiny little hill to go, and you're done!" and "Smile! I want to see smiles! You don't have to breathe, just smile!" It made me laugh
**Seeing my parents' van parked in a lot, and knowing I'd see them soon.
**Glancing across the way at the upcoming Hill of Hope, grimacing, and hearing the person next to me laugh knowingly at my expression
**Hearing a man say to his partner, "just one more hill honey, then we're done"
**Seeing my mom and dad clapping for me, hearing my mom saying "You're almost home!"
**Approaching the Hill of Hope--this is where I finally turned on my iPod, and listening to "Sabotage"--perfect.
**Getting on the hill and thinking "this actually isn't so big..."
**Getting to the top, scanning for my husband and sons, knowing they were at the top somewhere. Running through two walkers accidentally--sorry about that, ladies.
**Seeing Steve, Matthew, and Benjamin, giving Steve a high five and telling him "I made it up the hill!"
**Seeing the finish line, and deciding to sprint toward it
**Getting a little exasperated that people were stopping BEFORE the finish arch we had to run through
**Being done. 33:50, according to my Garmin. Official time, 35:05

I immediately started walking back to where I saw Steve and the boys, thinking they'd make their way toward the park to find me. When I caught up with them, they presented me with a "medal" they had made--it said #1-Good Job, Mom! I couldn't ask for a better prize.

So, that's the middle of the story. It's the middle, because I loved everything about that race. I'll do it again, and I'm going to try to keep going with this. I owe a lot of people thanks--my husband, for never complaining about watching the kids when I would go to the gym or out for a run. And for telling me I WAS going to go out even when I really didn't want to. And for believing in me. J, B, K, and J for being the first to inspire me. MATH for keeping me going. A for inspiring me with her own determination and success in becoming a healthier person through WW. So many more for cheering me on. And that's the story. I'll never be an elite, and that's just fine with me. But I think I can actually say this now, something I never dreamed I would say...I am a runner.

how to write a love story

2010-02-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know HOW to write a love story, but thanks to my awesome writer friend J, I had the chance to make an attempt tonight. I wrote a bit, shared a bit of that bit, and finished it up after the session. I thought I'd share the whole thing here. It's just a draft, but my writerly friends tell me that doesn't matter. So...here we go!

We'll start with two lists...

Things Steve wants me to tell you:
1. He is very good looking.
2. He is very good at....many things.
3. This one time, he spent his whole day unloading pumpkins, in order to get me a coat. When we were poor grad students, he got his best girl a coat. With pumpkin money.
4. No, Matthew, you can not have more candy!!

...

Well, he got interrupted. Such is life in the Abler house today. We take our romance where we can get it, in fits and starts.

Things I want to tell you about Steve:
1. He is very good looking.
2. He is very good at....many things.
3. The pumpkin story? It's true. But there is more to that story, that I need you to know. One, I was actually wearing that coat tonight when he told me to say that. The funny thing is, he didn't know that. I don't really wear that coat often. If you could see that coat, you might understand why. It is about ten years old, and pretty tattered. The lining is ripped in several places. Putting something in the pocket is a test of faith...or an expression of a desire to gamble with your possessions as you never know where they'll land. I have other, newer, more stylish coats. I probably should get rid of it--make room in our overcrowded closets, perhaps. But of course I can't. How could I? It's the pumpkin-money coat. It reminds me of that cold day he spent harvesting all those pumpkins. The only day he ever took off his wedding ring--slipping it carefully in his pocket so that it wouldn't slip off his finger.

...

I could continue on, in a list. I want to do that--want to tell you all the funny, amazing things about the last almost-fifteen years. I want to do a list....but I'd never finish it. I'd never be able to express, explain, illustrate everything. How do you describe a relationship that began when you were 19? How do you capture the fact that 15 years ago, in that dorm room, and on that fateful midnight walk along the lake, and during all those fast-moving years...that back when it all began, you had absolutely no idea what you were doing? How do you express the wonder and amazement that your temperamental soul and his stubborn soul made it when you were not just navigating a relationship, but figuring out who the heck you were? How do you acknowledge how crazy it was that you didn't move apart, that you didn't break up, even when maybe you should have--an dhow damn grateful and lucky you are that you were both too stubborn--or maybe even too stupid, at times--to realize it? How do you do all that while making it clear that this is a love story, indeed, that you know you could never be half the person you are without him by your side?

...

I guess, you just do. Just like the love itself, you just....write it. Live it. Honor it. I know we have this story, but my memory doesn't easily write narratives. My memory is sharing snapshots. Here we are, at the lake. Here's our first apartment in Blacksburg. And that's the sound of our laughter at some silly radio show, too-early in the morning, as we zoom past Huntington, West Virginia, the sunrise in our rearview mirror, in hour 4 of our 13 hour drive home for the holidays. Here we are, making Virginia our home. And there we were, living apart for a whole year, by circumstance, not choice. Here are the joys. The laughs. The losses. The tears.The fights.The make-ups.The growing.The sharing.The learning. Here are our sons, our beautiful boys, our hearts expanding to make room for more. Here we are today, almost 15 years later, with so much history, and so much more to come. Here's to the fullness of life--a life in which we probably still don't really know what we are doing, really...but now we know we'll live it together.

Here we are, in love.

end of year stuff

2009-12-31T06:25:00.001-08:00

Look, blog. I try, I really do. I LIKE the idea of writing in you more often, even though approximately two people read you. And it's not you, it's me. I know, lots of other blogs have owners who write in them regularly, and it's not fair you got stuck with me. Now, that said, here's a fancy little meme that I will answer just to get writing in you again. We cool?

Originating with Linda at All & Sundry. (I think. It's all over the bloggernets but word on the street is that Sundry started it...)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Ran 2.5 miles...and started to enjoy running! Crazy! Served on a NSF proposal review panel. Hosted wine club!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I...don't really make resolutions. I think that's setting oneself up for failure. I did have goals, which were summed up under "Be More Awesome". I think I was...in that I made better choices. I chose to surround myself with people who treated me with kindness and to reciprocate the best I could, I chose to refocus on my teaching and find what I really enjoyed about my job, and I chose to make my health a priority as I am no longer a college/grad student who can get away with abusing her body through eating junk, lack of sleep, and marathon work sessions without seeing some blowback.

Of course, in no way was I perfect. Especially the last one...I fell off the health wagon as soon as the fall semester started, and I can feel it. I realize that I have GOT to figure out how to manage my time so that I can get to the gym and/or exercise on a daily basis. I'm a better person all around when I do. And I need to be more consistent about my food choices. So that's going to be my big goal, I think. In general, though, I just want to be the best wife, mother, friend, and teacher I can be.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Well, there was baby R.! What a cutie.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, but a close family member to a good, good friend did, and that was very sad.

5. What countries did you visit? No other countries, but we did go to Hawaii.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Balance! More time for personal endeavors/family. A house that looks put together and inviting inside and out.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I don't know if any specific dates...2009 made a lot of memories, but I'm not sure there's a single day involved.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I don't know? I just keep rolling along...maybe the grant, in terms of work? Or the teaching evaluations that said "I took this for a gen ed, but it was my favorite class?" Personally...I think I got much better at expressing what I need and working for that.

9. What was your biggest failure? Time management. Not racing a 5K.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious! I dropped my food processor on my hand when walking up the stairs the other night, and that was a total bitch, but I lived!

11. What was the best thing you bought? I didn't buy it, but I got a waterproof MP3 player and a Garmin Forerunner for Christmas. Have tried out the MP3 player, and it is excellent.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? So many people. Steve. Wine Club crew. Will Allen. Robert Kenner. Kitrina. Alexa. Chris. These people keep me going and inspire me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Many, many politicians, on many, many levels.

14. Where did most of your money go? Daycare. Children. And house stuff--tuckpointing, replacing window glass, patio, exterior paint touchup, gutter guards--you know, the sexy part of being a homeowner.

Fun stuff--probably food and travel.

Steve wants me to say "moonshine, tobacco, guns, and women." So...yeah.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Hmm. Seeing friends get the happiness they deserve.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Easy. Journey!! "Don't Stop Believing"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? Happier, fatter, richer (a little bit).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Live in the moment. Exercise. Plan meals. Make a difference.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worry about things that are out of my control, waste time on the internet.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve--watched White Christmas and wrangled kids, made food for that evening, then wrapped presents all night, finally collapsing in a chair to watch A Christmas Story in its entirety for the first time. Christmas Day--opened presents at home with the kids, then headed to my parents for brunch and more gifts, then to my grandfather's for dinner. Then home, listening to J's mix cd of awesomeness and thinking about how very lucky we are as a family. Next day--total relaxation. only got out of my pajamas to work out, then put them right back on.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Not new love, just kept on lovin' (That makes me sound like Matthew McConaughey, I think).

22. What was your favorite TV program? The Wire (sob!). Mad Men. Friday Night Lights. Top Chef Masters.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? no way.

24. What was the best book you read? Huh. I don't know! I can never remember what I read, even if it was really good. I should start writing it down.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Oooh. The National...was that this year? Well anyway, I'll go with that.

26. What did you want and get? the forerunner.

27. What did you want and not get? Chickens!! Oh, ok, not really. I don't know...I guess I wanted to have the house more organized and I would like to figure out a way to have this living room more cohesively arranged, and that didn't happen.

As for the chickens, their day will come. Oh yes.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Food, Inc.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 33, and we just hung out at home, I believe. Our big trip was a week or so after my birthday.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less general angst and strife at work.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Avoiding the Mom Jeans.

32. What kept you sane? I keep coming back to the same themes. Steve, good friends, exercise, humor.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fancy? Really? I fahncied...um. I don't know.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? So many things, but I would have to say the industrialization of our food supply, and the fact that there are many in our country who are systematically denied simple, healthy, affordable food.

35. Who did you miss? Friends who live far and near, with whom I did not get to spend nearly enough time.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Can I use full names here? Well, just in case, I'll initialize it. It's gotta be G.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. You can't control others, all you can do is be true to yourself and be the best person you can be.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "It's times like these we learn to live again..."

ripped! from the headlines

2009-11-13T22:16:00.001-08:00

"schools close due to flu
but they said they wouldn't!"
calm down, local news.

p.s. am watching old episode of glee. this local ad for the oilerie is AWESOME. "let your heart sing with Glee..." the guy was just so proud of what he did there. I love local ads.

p.p.s. I am a big cheater and counting this even though it was about 15 minutes late.

day xxxx of proposal review

2009-11-12T18:30:00.000-08:00

words lose their meaning
good, very good, excellent
merit and impact

for baby ben

2009-11-11T19:45:00.000-08:00

all of the worries,
fears, angst, stresses...melt away
when i hear you laugh

this one goes out to kenny

2009-11-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

smooth jazz sounds drift out
drowned out by laughter, voices
of morale, restored

wisdom from a student

2009-11-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

the most annoying thing,
he said, is the ignorance
you've got that right, chief.

will this be my week??

2009-11-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

the minutes tick by
slowly, as tension rises
fantasy football

mmmm. food.

2009-11-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

flash of stainless steel
ginger, garlic scents released
restoring my mood

turns out i was a vampire too....

2009-11-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

and so now we are
living in a devil town
please be my refuge

(thanks to daniel johnston for the inspiration)

november 5 notables

2009-11-05T17:35:00.000-08:00

vivien leigh, and...
art garfunkel, and...my fave:
happy birthday, steve!

what benjamin did this evening...

2009-11-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

a.k.a. #4

"this will sting a bit"
she says, then a swift motion
brings tears and t-cells

getting too cryptic?

2009-11-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

a dream, a lifetime
hanging on a whispered breath
o, dreadful folly

hey number two!

2009-11-02T15:09:00.000-08:00

climbing the ladder
the great reward--more damned rungs
or choose a new path

feels like the first time...

2009-11-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

haiku #1....

sunday morning scene
apple scents, children's noises
where i'm meant to be

all apologies

2009-10-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

Just a quick explanation. I'm suspending the haiku-ing for a bit...sick kids have overwhelmed my time and psyche. And I don't think you want to read 11 haiku about H1N1, so, probably better for me to take a break.

I will start over, duly, at #1 soon, I hope!

-b

come on push it you can do it

2009-10-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

oh, dear jillian
why do you want to kill me?
twenty-minute torture

(dedicated to this evening's 30 day shred workout...)

(Title: "Push It, Garbage")

haikuriffic

2009-10-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

apples, spice, and nuts
names, languages, and laughter
nourished by friendship

(Post title: long day, no appropriate song lyric. am brain-tired)

i can't get to sleep, i worry about the implications...

2009-10-20T16:42:00.001-07:00

Ufff. Probably a lame effort today...but...

2, 4, 6 a.m.
Kids calling, coughing, crying....
exhaustion sets in

(Post title: "Overkill", Men at Work)

i'm burning diesel burning dinosaur bones

2009-10-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so some people write thoughtful haiku. Reflective haiku. Humorous haiku. Provocative haiku. Beautifully-phrased haiku.

Then some people write stream-of-consciousness haiku, reflecting whatever they might happen to being doing at the time. Like grading. Like coming across a certain pet peeve--a maddening misconception held by students--while grading. Multiple times. Some people might chuck aesthetic value out the window in favor of a 17 syllable burst of venting.

I think that is probably ok, right?
0--
Anyway. AHEM. #2, right here, for you.

pesticides can cause
bioaccumulation*
fertilizers can't

*aw, but i should get style points for the 7 syllable word, right?

(Post title: "Rusty Cage", Soundgarden)

reluctantly crouched at the starting line

2009-10-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

Dear friends G and J,

OK.

FINE.

I will write haiku(s). Or maybe it's haiku(z). Awwww yeah. Badass Japanese poetry! Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. I make no guarantees of quality, or of ever getting past day 3 before I have to start over again. But I will try.

Your pal,
-B

Haiku #1:

I do not think that
word/means what you think it means
My secret: Google

(post title: "Going the Distance", Cake)

good feeling, won't you stay with me...

2009-07-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

To make up for the last looooooong blog post, here's a list post. Law of Averages, right? Somehow this means that all my posts are witty and concise, right? Right? uh...nevah mind.

So. Good and/or amusing things about today:

1. Completing W4D2 of Couch to 5K without wanting to die.
2. Completing strength training while wanting to die, but not actually dying.
3. Staying in touch w/friends even when they are not close geographically.
4. Driving past the Piggly Wiggly in Manitowoc and seeing....court jesters? (NB: Oh! Even cooler. Italian flag throwers!)
5. Buying strawberries! Scads of strawberries! I'm locavoracious!
6. Finding recipe for white cake with strawberry buttercream for Benjamin's birthday.
7. Finding out that Steve Stricker AND Tom Watson are doing well at the British Open.
8. Making fool out of self at gym by doing a cheer on the treadmill upon finding out #7 (nobody can tell what you are watching in the bank of TVs...)
9. Not minding one whit about #8.
10. Having two healthy, amusing, and usually well-behaved kids.
11. Handling the situation well when one said kid is NOT well behaved.
12. Pasta with basil/arugula/walnut pesto.
13. Pinot Grigio.
14. Steve's day off tomorrow.
15. Finding a pithy and summative way to end this list.....oh, darn.

Post title: "Good Feeling", Violent Femmes

saturday in the park, must've been the 4th of july

2009-07-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

Just read a great post over at Ton-Fifty-ONE in which Gregg asks, "So where's the best place you've ever ooh-ed and aah-ed [over fireworks]?" What a great blog prompt, eh?

I used to be afraid of fireworks--at least, the big ones. The crazy, low to the ground, spinning and spraying fireworks that people would light off at home after the big, city-sponsored displays? No problem. Which, now that I know more about that whole "safety" thing, strikes me as a bit ironic. To my child-self, however, those big fireworks were scary--they came down so far in the sky. No matter how much my parents consoled and reassured me, I could not shake the fear that they would not come down to the ground and start us on fire.

Years later, when I in my early 20s and was no longer afraid of fireworks, that actually happened. Although there was no major damage, my friend's jeans had a hole burned in them, and our blanket was not so...salvageable. So, my inner child would like to say, "SEE? TOLD YOU SO!"

ahem. Oh, was there a question here? Right, best place for fireworks. You know, the most memorable fireworks-watching experiences don't have much at all to do with the actual displays...I'll write about the two that immediately came to mind.

2003, Blacksburg, Virginia. Steve had moved to Wisconsin that past April, while I remained in Virginia to finish my doctorate. While it was a pretty lonely time, I was fortunate in that I remained where our life had been for the past 5 years. My friends T, D, and C (if I write about them more, they shall be nicknamed, but for now, initials suffice) and I made plans to meet up for the fireworks. We sat on a hill near Blacksburg High school, and waited for dusk. Poor C, who is a musician as well as a scientist, was in agony listening to the not-so-melodic strains of a community orchestra as we waited. It was a perfect night in the Appalachian mountains--the hot July day faded into the embrace of a warm summer evening, the sky was clear, and we chatted about nothing and everything as we awaited the fireworks. Our conversation was peppered with silly asides and inside jokes that had been built over the past year or two, through the shared experiences of navigating our way to adulthood and simply trying to survive graduate school. As the fireworks burst across the sky, I remember feeling content. I was in a beautiful place that had become home, surrounded bycouples finding love for the first--or perhaps fifth-- time, happy families, and groups of friends much like mine. My friends...the ones who cared for me, who made sure I wasn't alone, who just understood me.

That was my last summer in Blacksburg, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I miss it every time I think about it. I can't tell you much about the fireworks, but there was something magical in that evening.

2009: Neenah, WI. When I'm not living 950 miles away from my hometown, my 4th of July is always spent in Neenah. The 4th is my grandfather's birthday (89th this year!), so the family tradition is that he hosts a cookout in celebration. His house is just one block from the park where they light off the city fireworks, so when I was very young, we would watch the fireworks from his driveway. Then, as I got old enough to walk with the crowds of people we went down to the park (SCARY) and watched them there (WHERE I WAS SCARED). The park itself (except for the tennis courts near the streets) is now closed to the public for safety concerns (SEE? Told you so...AGAIN!), so it's back to the driveway. When I was a teen, I often resented this intrusion on my other, oh-so-cool, holiday plans with friends, but of course now I cherish the tradition.

We arrived at Grandpa's mid-afternoon, where we--me, my parents,grandfather, aunts, and uncle--relaxed for a bit in. Well, some of us relaxed, and my dad got his exercise walking with Matthew as he rode his bicycle around the block....multiple times. Dinner was inside, where my grandfather had the television tuned to PBS and the Lawrence Welk show. I was transported back to Blacksburg, where one of those aforementioned inside jokes with C invoved the Lawrence Welk show, and I impressed my family by dropping a little LW science on them--Norma Zimmer IS the champagne lady, y'all. I know, it doesn't take much. After dinner, we returned outside to chat and wait for dusk...and my dad returned to his round-the-block circuit with Matthew.

There's not much to write here that will make for exciting reading. What did we do? Well, my mom and I sat on the front porch and caught up on local and neighborhood gossip while people-watching (My grandfather's house is prime people-watching on the 4th, as people park on his street and walk down near the park to get a seat as close to the action as allowed). My grandfather was regaled with a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday", sung by neighbors as they wandered out of their cul-de-sac toward the park. Around 8:30, we arranged our seats onto the driveway and wondered if the fireworks would actually start on time this year. Some neighbors lit off small Roman candles as they waited. Matthew was pretty impressed with those, so the anticipation was building--what would he think of the real fireworks? Would he like them? Would the noise bother my sensitive 4-year-old? Or would he, as in years past, fall asleep before they even started?

When we heard the national anthem being sung from the park across the river, we knew it was time. First, there was a ground display, which we could not see. Then the first arcing light flew into the sky. A hush fell over the neighborhood....pause....hold your breath....and boom! Green and purple blossomed in all directions, and I heard a whisper-shout from Matthew's chair..."WOW!" The show seemed to go on and on this year, and the fireworks seemed somehow bigger, and closer, than they had been before.

After the finale....the rushed goodbyes:

"Happybirthdaythankyouforhavingus!"/"thankYOUforcoming!"/"loveyouhugkissbyebyenow!!!"

as we all rush to our cars, hoping to beat the mad traffic. This is followed by a bit of strategic planning on the part of Steve and myself, as the route home takes us *right* *past* the ONLY exit from Menasha's fireworks. We have been caught in that traffic and detour before, and it makes a longish trip home after a longish day...well, even longer. We decided that we would bypass Menasha entirely, and take a more northerly route home if necessary. As we headed out, we noticed a bit of luck--Menasha's fireworks were, for once, behind Neenah's. They were still going! Maybe we could make it! Regroup-and-restrategize:

"Ok, if they're still going once we hit Midway and 441, we'll take 10 back. If not, we'll have to take 441 north and go through Darboy."

"Ok, but hurry, I think the finale is starting....GREEN LIGHT! GO GO GO!"

(Yes, Steve and I get great amusement by injecting drama into mundane situations. We're a lot of fun. Really!)

Victory! We made it to the critical intersection just at the end of the finale (which was not what I had called the finale initially...all the fireworks seemed somewhat more this year), and laughed over our triumph.

The rest of the ride home was more relaxed...a sleeping baby, a guessing game of "Who's fireworks are those? ("Appleton? Darboy?" Nah, too far east. "Hilbert?" Maybe!). A small voice from the backseat "Mom, I'm tired of looking at fireworks...." and not 5 minutes later, a sleeping 4-year-old. At home, a comfortable bed, and a deep, grateful sleep. I'm grateful now, for the opportunity to write about these memories, because it brings to mind when I am at my happiest--surrounded by family. By family I was born into, by family I married into, or by family that I've lucked into through other circumstances--those friends that I can be my most ME around. That last family is dynamic, changing, and always, thankfully, growing. For that, I'm pretty darn lucky. "Wow...!!!" indeed.

(post title: "Saturday In the Park", Chicago. old skool yeah!)

we want the world, and we want it now

2009-06-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

The Paradise Lounge is everything you could want in a dive bar. Dark wood paneling, wood bar with dark red vinyl seats, a "kitchen" which consists of a fryer and grill behind the bar, tattooed bartenders, diverse clientele, good music on the jukebox, and, as a bonus--good beer selection. Oh, and as a super awesome double-bonus--it's in the City of Madison, which means that yes, this dive bar is smoke-free. Oh yes, the dive bar experience without the smoke hangover.

How to get there? Simple. Walk past the yuppie-r bars/restaurants to Main, then past the old school steakhouse that still has red leather banquettes, past the local/cool gay bar, past the brothel (um, really), and duck into the door under the neon sign. That's what Steve, Stash, and I did after leaving the Great Dane that Thursday night. (Oh, Stash is my new nickname for R, because I do not really like using initials. Stash comes from 'stache, which obviously comes from moustache, which--well, now y'all probably get it if you're reading this).

The room is long and narrow, with the U-shaped bar taking up the center of the room. At front, near the door, some regulars were playing darts. The jukebox is also near the front of the bar area. In the back, others were playing pool and sitting at some rather rickety tables near the bathroom. A few others were scattered around the bar. We took our seats in the middle of the longest stretch of bar--strategically located near the taps. Now, I said the beer selection was good--what does that mean, for a dive bar? At some, it means you get a choice of Bud or Miller. At others, you might get that, and perhaps something like Sam Adams. And at others, you might even get one tap reserved for a local brew like Spotted Cow. At the 'Dise, you have those choices, sure. If you wish to drink your pint of Pabst, they've got you covered. Or, if the hipsters have ruined Pabst for you, you could do as our neighbor at the end of the bar, and alternate shots with a can of Hamm's. That's no problem. While I'm not at all above drinking a can of beer in the right place at the right time, our palates had already been attuned to "good" beer at the Great Dane. So I had a Guinness, which Steve and Stash (uh, are they starting to sound like a superhero or comedy duo yet?) each had Hopalicious, from the Madison-based Ale Asylum.

Almost perfect...but, no music? We used to come here, to the Paradise Lounge, when we lived in Madison, and there were a few songs that were must-plays. Steve went to put some music in, and soon enough the Ramones filled the bar. But...what's this? "KKK took my baby away?" The WRONG song! And what is this other, slow-ish song? Oh no. Steve told me that there were a few songs left to pick..and so off to the jukebox I went. I found a few gems...and then. Oh, he should know better than to leave me alone with music selections. You know I did it. Yes, I played Journey. I was a little worried about losing whatever cred I might have had with the somewhat younger, sorta punk/alternative crowd, but whatever. Journey was a must.

And that brings me to the best thing ever. Or at least, the best thing in an already awesome night. As "Don't Stop Believin'" started to play, Steve groaned, "oh, NO," while I dissolved into a fit of giggles and Stash smirked and drank his beer. Then Stash and I noticed something.

"Steve, look! They're....singing along! See...everyone loves Journey except you!"

"Yeah yeah, it's just those two girls over there."

"Nuh-uh, the dudes playing darts are singing too!"

And then...oh, and then. The super nice, kind of intimidatingly cool, tattooed bartender slid over to the taps to refill a pint, and....yes. Oh, yes. HE was singing along, too. He looked over at me and said, "Pretty soon we're going to have a full on bar sing-along, and we'll have to rename the bar American Idol or something!" And sure enough, most of the bar was singing, or nodding their heads in time to the song, or something. Except of course, Steve, who wasn't sure whether he should laugh or cry. All he knew is that any reaction he had at this point would include ordering another beer.

Seriously, it could not have been better had it been scripted. Even poor Steve had to admit that it was pretty awesome. We stayed a while longer, relaxing and chatting with each other, and then headed out into the warm, humid summer night to head back to the hotel. A summer rain began to fall just as we got back to the hotel--a summer rain which had turned into a full-on thunderstorm by the time we made it from the lobby to our room. Perfect timing, and a perfect evening.

It was good to feel completely at home and comfortable in one's skin. I don't know why the Paradise Lounge, of all places, has that effect on me. It's not a typical type of hang out for me (in fact, my former roommate that we saw at the Dane said, upon hearing of our plans, "The 'Dise? How do YOU know about THAT place?" I was kind of taken aback, but I get her surprise). I wouldn't go there regularly, even if I lived in Madison. And so, it's not a matter of fitting in--we were outsiders, in our polo shirts and khakis (the guys) and/or white shorts and turquoise top (me. but wouldn't it be awesome if it were the other way around?). But nobody cared. I guess...all I needed that night was good food, good drink, and most of all, good company who were able to "get" it, and get me. There it was...and it was so right.

(post subject lyric : "We want the airwaves", Ramones)

hey, hey, too cool to be forgotten

2009-06-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, I went to Madison with my lovely husband and my colleague, R, for a conference (well, R and I were at the conference. My husband was there to keep me company and do some sales calls in the area). The conference itself was a bit underwhelming, but Madison...ah, lovely Madison. I lived there for only a year, and that was kind of a disappointing year. We lived in a pretty sketchy neighborhood in a suburb, and I was adjusting to homesickness after having just left Virginia. I always kind of wish we had lived there when we had the work/financial stability we have now, so we could really take advantage of the city. Of course, we also now have two kids, so....

...but I digress. The point here is, while we were there, we did have time to cultivate some favorite places. Every time we visit, I am always at my happiest when I am downtown--whether it is in some favorite restaurant or just walking the streets surrounding the Capitol. This most recent visit, however, may have been the perfect visit. Some of it seems scripted. I am not sure I can put all of my memories into a true narrative, so I may just sketch out a few scenes here. Today's post will be Thursday, Part 1

--First of all, you know you have a great colleague when he turns to you after an interminable conference session full of administrative-ese, and says, "are we really going to the reception?", thus allowing you to form your escape plan...

...which of course is, "oh darn, we were going to go, but we have family here, and are having dinner with them. Not a complete lie, after all, Steve IS my family, and we had dinner with him (he is now R's "brotha from another motha", as well).

--Since it was a really warm evening, summer-cold beer sounded good to all of us. We decided rather quickly that we would eat dinner at the downtown location of the Great Dane, where we could enjoy one of my favorite beers, Crop Circle Wheat. Steve remembered that they have an outdoor seating area, so we requested that. The hostess said it would be about 25 minutes, which seemed like just enough time to have a drink in the bar.

Two minutes (!) later, we were in the outdoor garden, which is a walled area below street level, filled with greenery and decorative lighting. It reminded R of some places he had been out east, and it reminded me of a cafe I had spent time at in Hungary. Our waitress greeted us and immediately informed us that we could save $2 if we bought our beer in pitchers. Win! Our appetizers, dinners, and beer were great, but it's worth stating that we had some of the best service in a LONG time as well. One of the appetizers took a little longer than usual to arrive (the cook got slammed), and our server apologized AND bought our pitcher of beer--we did not expect that at all, especially since we had been enjoying the relaxed vibe of the evening.

The strangest thing that happened at the Dane was this: I glanced up at one point after we finished eating. Two women were walking toward a table in the back corner. "Is that...?" I though. "It couldn't be....well, one way to find out. NICOOOOOLE!"

The woman turned. Sure enough, it was our college roommate, who now lives outside Madison. The odds of seeing her in Madison, and especially seeing her at the Dane (I would not have pegged her as a brewpub person, and I am guessing she is not.), were, well, tiny.

--And so we sat, in the 80 degree weather, as the sun went down. Decompressing from a long afternoon and more so, a long year. It felt good--to sit with people that I can be 100% myself with, who are true friends to each other as well as important to me. It felt good--to be in a city I love, around people who are at the same time laid back and vibrant, full of life. It felt good--to be sitting in that garden, sated with good food and drink, talking about nothing in particular, and in no real hurry. I can't remember the last time I've done that...and damn, it felt good.

(coming up! Thursday, part 2--The 'DISE! OH YEAH. I WILL STOP SHOUTING NOW. or, uh, now.)

(post subject: 2 cool 2B 4gotten, Lucinda Williams)

the trick is to keep breathing

2009-06-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hey, new blog layout! Like it? I don't...not yet. I am not so much a fan of the colors. But I needed something that didn't clash with my keen new header photo. That is the eponymous midwestern magnolia, in our front yard, still hanging on to a bloom or two despite the lateness of the year. That will probably end tomorrow, in the rain and wind, come to think of it.

So....I promised a post about finding life balance, right? Well. I have no secret...no epiphany here. I think that, if I achieve this at all, it will be through a series of fits and starts. All I've got are some moments that I know are right. The St. Paul trip was one of those. And this morning was another. This was scribbled on a notepad earlier today...

I awoke to two insistent children, and equally insistent work emails...and oh yes, the clamor of dishes needing to be done, carpets to be vacuumed, and so on. I could have put in a DVD and had two hours of work time....but I also awoke, as many of us did, to sunshine and 70 degree weather. So I spent my morning and early afternoon sitting on a blanket in my back yard, watching Matthew and Benjamin play, and being fully there as their mom. What moments felt right? Well...

--Matthew's excitement (ok, and to be honest, mine) at watching the first of the small planes fly overhead en route to the air show. This is my favorite weekend of the summer--the very first Manitowoc event we attended was the airshow in 2006. Ever since then, this signals summer to me. And also--very fast, loud planes are, well, cool. I suppose I am betraying some ecologist principals by saying that--oh, the pollution! The fossil fuel consumption!--but I can't help it. Later this evening, as one of the prop planes practices flips and loops, Matthew exclaimed, "I didn't know planes could do that!!" So cool.

--Benjamin finally overcoming his trepidation toward all things lawn/grass and taking off across the yard, giggling all the way.

--Matthew bringing me "something you want", in his words--dandelions and other assorted wildflowers.

--Matthew bringing me a pretend bowl of ice cream, from the ice cream store (a precursor to our actual trip to the ice cream store).

--Having a moment to read and laugh--and cry--along with Michael Perry's Coop.

Now, lest I appear to be attempting the blog version of a Rockwell painting, let me illustrate why things are always...interesting...around here. While Matthew was pretending to bring me ice cream, he informed me that "you must eat your food before you can have ice cream." Since we were in the realm of the imaginary, I barely even thought before murmuring "Of course I will, sweetheart," while engrossed in a particularly compelling chapter involving the perils of purchasing ones first feeder pigs. I was jolted back to the present by my son presenting me with a 1 lb bag of frozen, shredded, mozzerella.

"Matthew, what are you doing?"

"You said you'd eat your food before having ice cream!"

I am relieved to say, the mozzerella found its way back to the freezer...all 1 lb of it.

Later, the kids will nap, and I will tackle work and clean in anticipation of visiting friends old and new(er). For now, I will sit back, and enjoy being in the moment, remembering that Shirley Manson and co. were onto something...the trick, sometimes, is to keep breathing.

everybody wants to be special here

2009-06-03T08:53:00.001-07:00

I have a blogging problem. As in, I keep wanting to update this blog, but I have issues finding the words to connect to my thoughts. It's a strange dichotomy--I read beautifully written blogs by friends, and I am inspired to write my own entry. But then, I think of those beautifully written blogs, and think that my blather certainly must bore my readers (all TWO of them, I swear) to tears. So! What to do?

I suppose the only way to get better at this is to do it, so...

note: I just dropped the cap of my thermos into my coffee mug. This is not an auspicious beginning.

...the title of this entry comes from "Here Comes a Regular", by the Replacements. (that's Replacements, y'all. You know who you are. Hee.). This line struck me particularly as I reflect on the end of the academic year, and all the angst--and joy--that came along with it. Of course, the line has a certain "duh" quality about it--everybody wants to be special everywhere, but I think that academia creates a certain special pressure cooker effect. It's not enough to be yourself, you must be a star! The misconception of the easy life of a professor is especially galling to those of us who are on the ground. Although we may only spend 12-15 hours or so in the classroom each week, we certainly find plenty of ways in which we spend our days. There's preparing for class--doing readings, updating lectures, finding new and innovative ways to present class material. There's the grading...oh, the never ending grading and feedback (and most of us give many assignments, and steer away from cookbook/multiple choice work, in the name of effective pedagogy). There are the meetings with students--an enjoyable part of the job, but time-consuming nonetheless. And then there are the parts of our job that have little to nothing to do with teaching: research, grant writing, programmatic development, outreach, recruiting, presenting at conferences, writing papers, and--oh yes, the committee work and meetings. How could I forget those? My point is that the nature of the job is such that no matter how many hours a week you work, there is always more to be done. It's very easy to get into the mindset that you are not, and never will be, doing enough. You must always do more, be better, be more special. While this has its good effects--most of us are deeply committed to our jobs, and many of us achieve things we didn't know were possible, it also takes a toll on mental, emotional, and yes, physical, health.

note: boy, I like the double-dash--don't I? Anyway--

The culture of academia feeds this pressure. While the tenure system gives security to those who have it, those of us who are not there yet, or who are not tenure track, have very little security. We are reviewed every year by multiple people. We are asked every week to do more--to support this new initiative, to serve on this ad hoc committee. And most of all, because we are all in the same situation, it is easy for this mindset--that there is never enough--to seem normal. It's easy to tell yourself that you're doing the right thing, and your colleague who actually seems to have a life is a slacker. Sometimes that is true, but it's easy to go overboard. It's easy to say "you shouldn't go to the gym today, you have grading to do." Or "you can't go home at 4:00, what would people think?" And so wellness falls by the wayside. (Forget the Freshman Fifteen, my fear is the Tenure Track Twenty!). Soon the internal tensions spill out into the world, and working relationships/friendships/family relations can become strained. This, I have learned, is no way to live.

So, by the end of the year, it's easy to become burned out, cynical. To ask oneself "why am I doing this?" And then a series of things happen....

...you get together for coffee or drinks with colleagues and realize that this job has allowed you to work with some of the best people you've ever known.

...you get an email from a student thanking you for everything you've done for him/her

...your student evaluations are fair, and even contain some gems ("you made me love science!" "we love you!")

...you travel with two students, two of your research mentees, who would not have had the opportunity to pursue research at a larger school. You see the joy and pure interest they have in their project. You see how the project allows you, and your students, to build community--not just with each other, but with colleagues from other schools, and with other cultures and communities.

...you see others working hard to provide access and opportunity to others, especially those who may be ignored by traditional educational systems

And when those things happen, you realize--that is why you do it. At least, that's how it works for me. I know that the next years are going to be fraught with worry, with tension, with uncertainty. I will strive to remain certain that there is a reason for me to do this, and that is what matters more than any line on my tenure dossier.

(next: how i learned to stop worrying and...ok that doesn't work. how i learned to achieve work/life balance. ok, that's not even true. how i AM LEARNING to achieve work/life balance. there. close enough).

MD 20-09, part 1

2009-05-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

nah, not a new type of cheap fortified wine. Mother's Day 2009, that's all...

So, yesterday, Steve called my parents to ask if they wanted some small, energetic visitors for the evening so that we could have a Hot Mother's Day Date. That consists of shopping at Target (we had coupons, y'all. Walking on the wild side!) and going to dinner. Sexy, huh? Well, we actually went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, Koreana in Appleton. So, at the last minute (as always), we had Matthew make some cards (one for his grandma, and a late birthday card for his grandpa), packed up the kids, stopped at the store for flowers, and headed to Neenah.

We've eaten at Koreana many times, but this was different. Usually, we arrive really early (around 5:00) because we either had a kid with us, or had a kid waiting at his grandparents' house. Now, we've found, the boys are willing to go to sleep at Grandma's and Grandpa's, so we could take our time. We arrived later to find there was a 30 minute wait. No problem--we sat at the bar, enjoyed a beverage (Steve had a Newcastle, I had a Riesling--I rarely drink it, but like it with sushi), and chatted about Steve's job and new colleagues in the industry. Our table was ready quickly, and we were seated near the window, where we could talk quietly but still enjoy the energy of the busy restaurant. We ordered our sushi rolls (spicy tuna, salmon, negi hamachi, and a tuna/shrimp mix) and entrees (bibimbap and rice cakes with beef), and settled in.

Our poor waiter....turns out, everybody wanted sushi that night, and the sushi bar was backed up. Our wait was quite long, but we didn't mind. He, however, got more nervous as the evening went on. We had told him at the beginning of the evening that we did not need the usual side dishes, but he brought them anyway so we would "have something in front of you." Now, I really mention that because of the sides. The sides are: kimchi (makes sense, in a Korean/sushi restaurant and it is very spicy and delicious), fish cakes (which are not like crab cakes, but almost a jerky-like consistency, marinated in soy, sesame, and something sweet. better than I can describe!), bean sprouts (not my thing, a little slimy in consistency), and....potato salad. Yes, potato salad. That American picnic staple, held together with mustard and mayo, scooped out into the dish with an ice cream scoop. I do not know how this became part of the Koreana side-dish repertoire. I wonder--is this something found at all Korean restaurants in the States, or is this peculiar to our little area of the world? They do put chow mein noodles on the top, so...yeah, I still don't know. Needless to say, we were hungry, so despite our earlier instructions, we nibbled on the kimchi and noshed on the fishcakes. The bean sprouts and potato salad were left sadly ignored.

Our sushi finally arrived, and as we reassured our waiter, it was worth the wait. I don't even think that was the second glass of Riesling I had during the wait talking. Fresh, delicious, wonderful. As Steve commented, "you really want to eat at a busy sushi restaurant." Our entrees followed quickly behind. We ate way too much, and left fat and happy.

While we were waiting, I had convinced Steve that we should make a stop on the way home for "dessert." As the "dessert" was a pint of local microbrew, you can imagine that it was not very difficult at all to convince him. I was more interested in where we were stopping than what we were having. When we were in undergrad in Oshkosh, a new brewpub opened on the waterfront. This quickly became our go-to place for when we could scrape together a little extra cash to celebrate an occasion. When we were in graduate school and would return to visit a former professor / now friend of ours, we would meet there. The food and beer was good, but mostly I loved the atmosphere--the airy building with high ceilings and a glass wall separating the brewing operations, and most of all the huge windows allowing an unimpeded view of the Fox River. The brewpub was a great success, and the owners have opened up several new ones, including Fratellos in Appleton and Milwaukee.

The newest Appleton location is great--they set up shop in the old (1909) Vulcan Hydroelectric Power plant. The building is restored beautifully, and although we've only been twice (both times after dinner, so have never been in the restaurant), the bar is gorgeous. It was packed this evening, so we sat at an unoccupied side table, against the window overlooking the dam. A waiter immediately asked if we had been helped, and told us about the brewery special, which was a blueberry beer. Now--you have to know that Steve and I hate any fruity-verging-on-wine-cooler beers. This blueberry ale is no Bartles and Jaymes. It is a light beer, with just a hint of blueberry flavor giving it complexity. The blueberries floating in the pint glass make for a fun visual. We sipped the beer, chatting about old memories, such as when we last had that beer, at the Oshkosh location, making plans for new memories, including bringing new friends with us next time we were at Fratellos, sneaking glances at the television in the bar to check the Brewers score (home run, Counsell! Oooh, and home run, Braun!!) and taking in the scene around us, both in the river outside (turtles! and, well, carp. but whatever) and in the restaurant inside . Turns out that white tuxedos are the fashion of the moment for Appleton prom-goers.

After our drink, we headed back to Neenah to pick up some very sleepy, but happy boys, and drove back to Manitowoc in the misty night, listening to selected songs on my iPod. Today, we'll spend time with the kids. But last night, reconnecting with my own self and my husband without the kids was just the Mother's Day present I needed.

Well, maybe that and a housekeeper. Is ANYONE going to clean up those damn Rice Krispies off the floor? I mean, really.

reflection

2009-05-09T09:46:00.001-07:00

Ack. I wish I could write something that I wouldn't delete after hitting publish. I need to figure out how to write something worth reading.

stay tuned...

outsider

2009-04-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

I want you to write an outsider poem. You can be the outsider; someone else can be the outsider; or it can even be an animal or inanimate object that's the outsider. As usual, get creative with the prompt and don't be afraid to stretch the limits.

Your world
is
blackberry
bluetooth
spreadsheet
superintendent

We sit
in the same room
you there
me here
close but
distant.

I wish we'd talk more.
This hectic life of ours leaves me an
observer, with my nose pressed up against
the glass.

I want nothing more
than for you to leave your world
And me to leave mine.
For us to walk away and create our own world.

origin

2009-04-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

ok, please bear with me. I have a secret...I used to write. I stopped, probably in high school. But I always missed it. So, it's National Poetry Month, and my friend J. has inspired me. So, I'm doing this Writer's Digest poem-a-day thing...at least, until I get embarrassed and stop (in other words, this might be my only post). I am telling you now, I am NOT GOOD AT THIS. It is only for fun.

WD gives you prompts. The prompt today is: write an origin poem. It can be the origin of a word, person, plant, idea, etc. Have fun with it.

Never, she said. I will
Never
be that person.

A parasite! An alien being
feeding, sucking, taking, draining...
my life force
my freedom
my identity
Never, it's not for me.

Why would I trade
nights out with friends
intense late-night conversations
limitless possibilities
for

nights of feeding and soothing
discussions of diapers, and
the latest in pacifier technology?

i was set
i had the plan
i was good to go

then you were there, inside me
my beautiful parasite
my cherished alien
so guess what, my sweet?
i was that person

i am that person
who constantly struggles
to find the balance
i am that person
who can't quite believe
she once despaired at the thought of someone like you.

i am.
Always.

End of Year Quiz

2008-12-29T15:27:00.000-08:00

I started this yesterday and gave up on it and then saw it again when I clicked over to read Sundry's site. She's inviting her readers to share, so I figured it was a sign. It would be super great and awesome and fun and rad if you were to post your own answers, either in the comments or on your own blog! As for me, here goes....

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Ate at Topolobampo. Steve and I had one of the chef's tasting menus, and it was deeeeeeelicious. I also inadvertently stared at Rick Bayless for a while, which was fun and not-at-all embarrassing (I was 7 months pregnant! I had come right from a conference! I was tired, and spacing out!). Apparently Topolo (as those in the know say, according to the website, oh aren't I la-de-dah special?) is/was a favorite of the Obamas. They were not there that night though. If they had been, I am sure I would have been staring like a damn fool for real.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't remember any resolutions, so either I didn't make them or I didn't keep them. This year my goal is to exercise more, and to complete the Couch-to-5k program.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Lots of people! I'll probably forget some, but, in no particular order...Jen and Chien, Jessie and Dave, Ron and Kathie, and Chris and Kim all welcomed little ones in 2008. And...hm. Who else? Oh.....yeah. ME!!! Hooray for the arrival of sweet Benjamin Michael, 7/17/08.

4. Did anyone close to you die? We were lucky enough to avoid losing anyone in our immediate family or circle of friends. Sadly, people whom we care about did deal with loss and tragedy this year.

5. What countries did you visit? Um....the United States? I didn't travel much this year, but hope to change that soon!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Ha. Tenure, but since I'm not up for that until 2011, I don't think that will happen. So...more free time.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Benjamin's birth, and I don't think I need to explain why!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Managing to survive! It was a rough one, with adjusting to life with 2 kids, an unexpected (but ultimately good) job change for Steve,

9. What was your biggest failure? This was going to be the year that I achieved some semblance of work/life balance. I am pretty sure I failed in that regard.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The only think I can really think of was the allergic reaction (reactions?) to something I had after my c-section surgery. An unexplained head-to-toe rash when one is recovering from surgery is not cool. I need to find out if it was an antibiotic allergy or not, because if it is, that's another whole group of antibiotics I can't take. So I'm crossing my fingers that it was something else!! So, all-in-all, I was pretty fortunate, since that's that comes to mind!

11. What was the best thing you bought? The Prius. I love it. And no, I don't get the optimal gas mileage out of it, since I don't drive long enough distances to work and back, but it's better than I would be getting out of any other mid-sized car in my price range. And, hatchback! I never would have guessed that I would love that so much.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Steve's. He's continuing to impress people around the state/country in his profession, and he has been an awesome dad every day to these boys.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Uhhh. Oh boy. I don't think I can really say. Let's just say that some people exhibited a significant lack of self-awareness this year, and I hope that changes in 2009.

14. Where did most of your money go? Hmmm. House/car/food/baby/clothing, probably in that order. Baby would be more, but hand-me-downs are quite helpful.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Baby! And the presidential election.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Heh. Any Justin Timberlake song. Or any song that evokes mullets and spandex. Because to me, 2008 and 1988 are the same thing.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier, for sure.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, but last year I was pregnant.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, in just about every way.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Traveled/ate out, even if it were just in Madison or Milwaukee. Relaxed. Slowed down and enjoyed the pregnancy, since it will likely be the last!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worried!

20. How did you spend Christmas? Oooh. This was the first Christmas where we got to spend at least some of it on our own. It was SUPER. So. Finals were done early for me this year (and did not get affected by the snow, lucky me!), so I had two days to get my baking/cooking/wrapping/Xmas cards done, and somehow I managed. On Christmas Eve, we watched the snow fall and hung out at home. When the kids went to bed, Steve and I put out snacks and drinks, and just relaxed together. Christmas Day, we opened presents here over breakfast and then went to my hometown to be with my family. The Saturday after Christmas, we went to Steve's hometown to be with his family. We did NOT do the Steve's-extended-family Christmas Eve celebration, which might have caused his family angst (I don't know, they didn't say anything), but saved our sanity and made the holiday better for our

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Oh, I'm so repetitive, but yes, with my little son.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Mad Men! We caught up with the first and second season on iTunes, and managed to watch the 2nd season finale in real time.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate...nope.

24. What was the best book you read? Oh man, I can't remember when I read what. They Marched into Sunlight was a really interesting read, but I don't know if it was the BEST book I read...

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Alexi Murdoch

26. What did you want and get? See, all of this ends up repeating itself. A healthy baby, a Prius, a kitchen scale, a real Christmas tree, Steve home more, stuff like that.

27. What did you want and not get? Hmmm. Well, I am sure there was something, there are always minor wishes that go unfulfilled. But I can't really think of anything major. I was pretty blessed this year.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Oh please. This is even worse than the books, because i'm not even sure I saw a film from this year! Unless King Corn counts..I like that. Hee.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don't remember what we did to celebrate...went out to dinner, had a quiet time at home, I think. I remember that my students sang Happy Birthday to me in lab though! That was pretty sweet. Oh, and I was 32.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A state budget without a shortfall? An economy not in collapse? Less stress at work, for sure, but that encompasses many things.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Classic Modern. Not trendy, but not stuffy, probably leaning toward preppy, things I can wear year after year.

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family. Wine club!! Coffee.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fancy? Or admire? Obama is all right with me, for one!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? There are so many! Science and math literacy in the United States, education funding, health care, equality issues, women's rights, environmental pollution...I can't really pick just one.

35. Who did you miss? Some of my friends from grad school, my advisor.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I think 2008 was more about getting closer to people I already knew. I met lots of cool people, of course, but to narrow it down to one best person is really difficult. Of course, the easy answer is Benjamin, but if you read this far you knew that already! One person I met who really made an impression on me is Maria--I am so insipred by her enthusiasm for life and commitment to living her principles.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. You get out of relationships what you invest in them, and sometimes you have to make not just the first effort, but the second, third, and fourth efforts before that effort is returned. But the wait can be worth it! .

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. It's times like these you learn to live again/ it's times like these you give and give again/it's times like these you learn to love again.

why eat local, part 2

2008-09-07T13:49:00.001-07:00

Well okay, I was going to write this way back in...June? When I was writing about strawberries and such. Then I wanted to wait until I had time, and, well, yeah. I still don't have time to write the entry that I wanted to write, but a conversation with Steve about our farmer's market haul inspired this short bit.

A few years ago, I had been reading a lot on blogs/magazines about white peaches. They sounded pretty great, so when I saw white peaches in the grocery store, I bought a pound or so. I took them home, and with great anticipation, had one for lunch. It was....pretty blah. Sort of juicy, but not much flavor at all. "Ah," I thought ruefully, "I've been taken in by another trendy food marketing scheme."

On Saturday, I sent Steve and Matthew to the farmers' market for our weekly produce trip. We had really enjoyed the (yellow) peaches from the week before, so he went back to get more peaches, among other things. He came home with a mix of white and yellow peaches.

Today, for lunch, I had my second white peach. I bit in, with some anticipation, as Steve had told me how good they were when he had one, but also with trepidation, as I remembered my last experience. It was...heaven. A distinctive flavor...softer, more rounded, than the yellow peach, perhaps, with maybe just a blush of a wine or champagne-type flavor. I can see why white peaches are specified for the classic Bellini recipe.

So to the skeptics, those who scoff at the locavore movement, I say this: if the environmental arguments don't convince you, if you aren't really into knowing your farmer and being part of your community, if you think those who are at the forefront of the movement are 60's throwbacks, so be it. I disagree, but I will keep my mouth shut for now. You don't have to buy into that to be convinced. Instead, do this. Go to the farmers' market. Buy the white peaches, or whatever you happen to see that strikes your interest. Take it home. Eat it, slowly, savoring every bite. You won't be sorry.

aaaaaaanother meme!

2008-09-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

Yay! You were just waiting for the next one, weren't you??

1. My uncle once got hit by a truck while bicycling down a mountain in Switzerland. He's fine! And awesome.

2. Never in my life have I been more sick of the phrase "hockey mom".

3. When I was five I started kindergarten, and was freaked out by lowercase letters. True story. I could write in caps before kindergarten, but the first day we were shown lowercase, I cried.

4. High school was fine. I wasn't popular, but wasn't an outcast. Actually, our school was both big enough, and tracked --advanced, standard, basic classes--that everyone seemed to find their

5. I will never forget the day all our friends and family were together with us, coming to celebrate from as close as our hometowns and as far as Malaysia. I'll never forget our wedding day! note: I just realized that I had left the old entry's line in here. it was much more dramatic than this. i'm just not that dramatic!

6. Once I met Michael Moore. I taught him how to say "I like wrestling" in Spanish.

7. There’s this boy I know who got me through.

8. Once, at a bar, I laughed harder than I knew I could.

9. By noon, I've probably been more productive than I will for the rest of the day.

10. Last night I made a so-so dinner

11. If only I had more willpower.

12. Next time I go to church might be at the Unitarian Universalist church in town. Otherwise it will probably be for a family event.

13. What worries me most what the future will be like, for my generation and especially for my kids.

14. When I turn my head left I see pillows, and a peace lily.

15. When I turn my head right I see the wall. it's plain, but nice.

16. You know I’m lying, because I can't keep up with it.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is ...Steve Perry's mullet and leather pants.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be...Mercutio. SparkNotes tells me he's sarcastic. I am kidding about the SparkNotes.

19. By this time next year I'd like to have at least one more publication.

20. A better name for me would be Rainbowbrite Mylittlepony. I'm all about branding.

21. I have a hard time understanding people who are against education.

22. If I ever go back to school, I hope it's for something fun, like cooking/baking classes.

23. You know I like you if I let down my guard around you.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be Steve.

25. Take my advice, make time for yourself. Even if you are busy. It's not worth the loss of sanity, otherwise.

26. My ideal breakfast is a leisurely one, shared on the porch of a mountain/lake cabin with my husband, and probably good friends. The air is crisp, and the coffee is hot, and the company is good.

27. A song I love but do not have is "Times Like These" by the Foo Fighters.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest walking along the lake at sunset.

29. Why won’t people stop making political decisions based on superficial characterizations?

30. If you spend a night at my house I'll show you a low-key, relaxing time, with plenty of food and the drink of your choice, late night chat, and a relaxed breakfast (see above) the next morning.

31. I’d stop my wedding for a family emergency.

32. The world could do without plastic bags and paper towels (note. I do use them, sometimes, sparingly. I am such a hypocrite.)

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than join the FLDS church

34. My favorite blondie is...it's a tie! My two boys. Non-family, has to be my friend J.

35. Paper clips are doomed, if I am either stressed or, strangely, on the phone.

36. If I do anything well it’s make sarcastic comments. I asked my husband, and he said "baby-makin'" I don't know if he's complimenting our kids or being a big perv.

37. I can’t help but be a perfectionist.

38. I usually cry at stories of triumph over tragedy or disappointment.

39. My advice to my nephew/niece is: travel; make sure to get out of Fondy, out of Wisconsin--not just for a visit, but live somewhere else for a while. You can always go back if you want. (heh. my nephew is not even one yet. he's got time, I guess)

40. And by the way, it is time for me to go to bed.

boring political post

2008-08-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the chance to watch much of the Democratic Convention this week, since I've been wranglin' the kids. But I have been watching clips online. And I remembered something:

I love Mark Warner (senator from Virginia):

"In 4 months we will have an administration that actually believes...in SCIENCE!"

Yay! I'm even more happy that I got to vote for him for governor of VA in 2001. In fact, I'd like WI's current governor to study how Warner dealt with Virginia's budget woes, but that's another story.

Oh joy, it's a meme! Maybe even 2 memes!

2008-08-24T19:54:00.001-07:00

I apologize. It's Sunday night, I've been working on creating a class project all day so my brain is fried, I'm drinking cheap red wine (2...uh, 3 buck Chuck!), and so this is all I can manage.

First, the food meme:
Bold means I et it, italics means it hit my gullet and did a reverso, strikethrough means I'd rather go on Fear Factor and get covered in tarantulas.

1. Venison - I'm from Wisconsin, of course I've had this.
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile - it really does taste like chicken.
6. Black pudding -
7. Cheese fondue - Our friends D and A got THREE fondue pots for their wedding. Their solution? Return them? Nah...throw a fondue party! Brilliant!!
8. Carp - Ew. When I was a kid, I'd ride my bike to the library. This required going over a bridge over the Fox River--in the shallow part of the river, you could SEE the carp swimming around. Not appetizing.
9. Borscht -
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart -
16. Epoisses -
17. Black truffle- I think it counts if it is truffle cheese.
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns -
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes - from our own garden! awesome.
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras -
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese - my mother in law makes this every year for christmas for one of her sons. I think we get off easy...she only makes fruitcake for us.
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper - but it wasn't ripe. and it was still hot.
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters -
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda -
31. Wasabi peas -
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut - See entry 1. From Wisconsin.
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea -
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O -
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala -
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut - .
50. Sea urchin - Presumably they mean the roe.
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald's Big Mac Meal - have never even tried it. Huh.
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV - my husband's own barleywine is the best of the genre. no joke.
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin - Kaolin? Like, Kaopectate? Kaolin is clay.
64. Currywurst
65. Durian -
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake-
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain - LOVE plantains
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong -
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky -
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers -
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab -
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox -
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee - in the Blue Mountains, even. I would love some of this coffee...but it's expens
100. Snake

56? I fail! Hm. I'm not as adventurous as I thought, perhaps. But I'm not eating a Big Mac, so there.

Ok, now a book meme.

Bold is I've read it, italics is started but unfinished.....

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - I'm so sorry, J!
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - never had any desire.
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - again, sorry!!
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible - well, yeah.
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman - I don't get the fuss. Lyra is annoying.
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens - oh god. miss havisham!
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare - complete, no. pieces, yes.
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien - nope, nope.
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks - have I ever mentioned that I hate the word "birdsong?" I know, that is weird. But I hate it.
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger -
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald -
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy - I read the Death of Ivan Ilyich though. Does that count? No?
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams -
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky -the whole damn thing.
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll -
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis -
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis - Er, duh, this is one of the Chronicles of Narnia. Who's in charge of this list? Moron.
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne -
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown -
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery -
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan -
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - ok, so if you are like me, and never read Austen, you're a freak. I get it. I will remedy this!
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth - HA! Let me tell you all about how I read this book. No, wait, where are you going?
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon -
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez - darn library due date.
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac -
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding - .
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville -
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson - not his best, but I liked it!
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray -
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro -
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White -
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom - only because my grandma gave it to me. it is not good.
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection -
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery -
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo - I WILL finish this someday!

51! I fail again!

Well that was....a use of some time. Whee!

2008-08-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

I never wanted kids....at least, not once I was old enough for it to be a reality. When I was young, I thought--well, I guess someday I'll have kids, but even then, there was no real certainty about it. And there was never any of that little kid attraction to babies. I never really liked playing with dolls--I preferred stuffed animals. I am an only child and only grandchild, so I was never really even around babies. So, I never thought about it.

When I got a little older, I did babysit, but I preferred kids ages 5+. Anything younger than that was boring.

By the time I got through college and into graduate school, I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. Or, if I *did* have kids, I would adopt. Not because of some Angelina Jolie-type altruism, but again, babies--ugh. And pregnancy? Horrified, terrified me...that must be like having some alien parasite in your body (note from 2008-me: Well, actually, it...kind of is. Really is. But at the same time, not so bad). Plus, I wasn't going to think about kids for a loooong time. I had things to do. First, Ph.D. Then, job...preferably at some small liberal arts college, hopefully in a really cool mid-sized city in a gorgeous location somewhere. And once my career was established, I was going to enjoy life...travel, freedom, money to do things....

...and so that was the plan. Then, in 2004, something changed. I don't really know why. I know when...we were camping with friends, who had a 1 year old at the time. These friends, R and K, were the first among our group to get married (10 years this month!!) and the first to have children. So they were not the norm, and I know this wasn't some sort of "Everyone's doing it, so we have to!" social pressure. But I digress. They had brought their laptop with them--so that they could play music while we were cooking, etc. And they, like most parents, had pictures on them. There was one, of their son in a strawberry patch, and R was kind of staring at it. His wife said, "What are you doing?" and he said, "Looking at my son."

"Looking at my son." Four words. Nothing monumental. Not even directed at me, or trying to expound on the wonders of parenthood. But when he said that, something changed in me. That night, I told S that maybe I wanted to do this thing. Two months later, I got pregnant with M.

So, we had our first, and it was great. Two years later, we started talking about expanding our family. A year before that, I had been SURE I wanted 2 kids. But after a while, I got used to M. as an only child. I still thought, we had agreed on 2, and that's what I want, so we went for it. But even after I got pregnant the second time, I had my doubts. Overall, I thought that it was right. But--how would I handle two? Was I being fair to M? After all, I was an only child, and although I would like to have adult siblings, I had a lot of resources (tangible and non-), that my friends from larger families did not. And what if I didn't love this child as much as M?

But, he is here. And now we are a family of 4. If I were to meet my college or grad school self, she'd be shocked. What happened to me? All my plans..what happened to them? I suspect she'd be a little disappointed. I do teach at a small school...but what else? I live in a small town, with not much excitement to it. Travel...ha. We've done some traveling in the States, but I haven't been out of the country since 2002.

And yet...and yet. We are a family of 4. It's not at all what I wanted...yet it's all I could ever want.

I know, I swore I wasn't a mommy blogger. And I'm not. But a lot has happened since my last post. Welcome to our world, baby boy.

why the local strawberry? part 1

2008-06-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm finally getting around to the post I was going to write yesterday...and I'm happy I waited because I had a little inspiration this afternoon--a wonderful, delicious and beautiful cake made with the first local strawberries of the season by my friend J. We are lucky indeed to have such a talented friend--and one generous enough to share!

J and I have been talking a lot about locally grown food, which is something we both feel passionate about. As the locavore movement gains steam nationally, I've seen several articles questioning the value of eating locally. Most of the questions involve the concept of "food miles" and carbon outputs. I'll add some links to this post if I can find some good online articles, but the most thoughtful articles I've read seem to center around these questions:

1. Are we really reducing overall carbon dioxide outputs by eating locally? In other words, is the locally-grown tomato, or beef, or ornamental plant consuming more than its share of fossil fuels during production?

2. What about the other environmental impacts of locally-grown food? An example here--what is the water cost of a locally grown tomato in, say, Arizona? What about the local milk that comes from a conventional, polluting megadairy? Is that better or worse than the trucked in milk from an organic, pastured farm? (We in Wisconsin don't have to worry too terribly much about that particular example, as there are several options for sustainably raised dairy. Take that, happy California cows!!).

3. What does "locally grown" really mean--how local is local, and how does the means of transportation affect "food miles" calculations? Is a winery in Napa more "local" in terms of environmental impact than one in Bordeaux? (Answer: depends on where you are in the United States, apparently).

4. Where should we place our efforts? After all, major industries and utilities generate an incredibly significant amount of greenhouse gases; much more than our food transportation. So, is this an example of "feel-good" activism that doesn't really have much impact?

I have a lot of thoughts about these questions, and I don't agree at all with the premise of some of these arguments that eating locally is insignificant. I am glad, however, that the questions are being asked, as it forces me to examine my reasons for being pro-local foods. Locavorism does make a positive impact, in several ways and on several things--the environment, economy, and overall quality of life. I'll explain what I mean by this in part 2...coming up soon!

ETA: Linky!

"Big Foot" - The New Yorker article that got me started on this train of thought
Food Miles and the Relative Climate Impacts of Food Choices in the United States - peer-reviewed study of, well, see the title. I will try to get a PDF of the full article for locavore committee. Interesting final sentence in the abstract about food choices that I think would be interesting to explore for the upcoming campus theme.

2008-06-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

I have a real post for today, but as I was about to start typing it, my son decided to start a chant:

"I'm a gangster. Iiiiiiiii'm a gangster!"

What the? Where did he even hear that term? Strangely, he does not pick up any of the cursing that unfortunately still goes on around here more often than it should...but yet, he's a gangster?

Now I wonder if he's a Sopranos-style gangster, or a local Manty gangster. North sieeeeeeeede represent!

right there by town*

2008-06-12T16:32:00.001-07:00

So, according to the Weather Channel, there is a tornado warning here right now. Except there has been nothing issued by the National Weather Service (according to their website) and the sirens are silent.

Oh, I just figured out the problem. The screen says "Manitowoc", but the woman just informed us that the tornado warning is in "Man-i-TOE-wick" county. Totally different place. heh.

I think they may be confusing tornadoes with flash floods. Hm.

*post title courtesy of the Found Footage Festival. If'n you haven't seen it, come on over to my house and we'll watch it. Mullets, chair dancing, and Jack Rebney ("accoutrements?!") abound.

P.S. Oh, ok. now supposedly there is a tornado warning for this area. But no sirens. WTF, Manitoewick County? Get with the program!

P.P.S. Sirens! This would be about the time I normally freak and force everyone into the basement, instead of sitting in my many-windowed living room. Hm. Blogging is oddly calming.

no free lunch, this is america...

2008-06-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

So, I recognize that, although I am by no means wealthy, I live a pretty comfortable--and therefore privileged--life. Both S. (husband--) and I work, we live in an area with low cost of living, we have excellent health care benefits, we have retirement savings, we're white middle-class Americans so we don't really deal with discrimination issues, and so on. I really can't say that I know what it is like to be disadvantaged. However, last weekend I had an experience that gave me just a taste--a tiny, tiny taste--of how things might be.

As you read in the intro, I have 1.9 kids--in other words, I'm just about 35 weeks pregnant. Last weekend, I had been experiencing some pretty severe headaches. Headaches in the third trimester can be a sign of preeclampsia, which is pretty serious. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I had my blood pressure taken on Wednesday, and it was perfect. But, my doctor had told me to call if I ever experienced anything strange, so I called. Turned out my primary care OB was the doctor on call, so I got to talk to her directly--this was nice, because she knows me, knows my mindset, and my medical history.

She said that it was probably not related to my blood pressure, since I had no problems previously, and no other symptoms of preeclampsia, but that I should get it checked out anyway. Since I didn't have any other warning signs, she strongly suggested that I not get admitted, but that I go to the emergency room at my hospital, because they had a 24 hour free blood pressure clinic. These were her words, and you see that I am emphasizing them, right? She repeated herself--do not have them check you into Labor and Delivery, but tell them right away at the desk that you are there for the free blood pressure clinic. If there was a problem, she said, then they could admit me.

Okay! I can do that! So, because my head really hurt, S. said he'd go with me. The three of us went over to the hospital. We walked into the emergency room, and it was completely empty in the waiting room. I went up to the desk, and remembering the doctor's instructions, entered into the following conversation:

Admitting clerk: "Hello, dear! Can I help you?"
Me: "Hi...I am here to get my blood pressure checked in the free blood pressure clinic?"
Admitting clerk: (voice frosty, short laugh, roll of the eyes>: "This is not a free clinic. This is the emergency room."
Me: Oh.....because I've been having these problems (relays conversation I had with my doctor).
Admitting clerk: Weeeeellll....yes. We can have people come up and check your blood pressure for you, but they're really busy back there, and I'm not sure anyone would want to come up right now.
Me: ..... (not sure what to say)
Admitting clerk: Have you taken your blood pressure recently?
Me: No, my doctor just told me to come here...
Admitting clerk: Did you want to go up to labor and delivery? Do you have insurance for that? Or are you just looking for the free check?
Me: I'm just telling you what my doctor told me. She said specifically not to be admitted unless there was a reason.
Admitting clerk: What is your doctor's name? (I tell her, she calls L&D to see if the doctor had called in with any instructions. She had not). Well, I suppose you can sit over there (points to triage) and someone will come up.

And she gets me seated, and leaves with yet another eyeroll. Someone did come in and take my blood pressure, which was fine, so the story ends there. Oh yeah, and the card they gave me with my BP info advertised their 24 hour free blood pressure check service on it.

Now this was just a minor issue--I was not refused medical care in any way, and I certainly wasn't treated as poorly as some have been. At the same time, I felt awful--like I had no right to be there, even though I was acting on advice of my doctor. I wish I could tie this coherently into a discussion of the failings of the health care system, what needs to be fixed, and how to fix it...but I'm not skilled enough to write about that effectively. I do know that in a system where more and more are going without insurance, more and more are going to feel marginalized unless something does change.

well hello

2008-06-08T14:16:00.001-07:00

So, this is my third attempt at a blog-that-is-not-Livejournal. The first two were...rather sad. I managed to post once in each, didn't tell anyone about them, and then promptly forgot. I hope to do better this time. So welcome, feel free to read and join in the conversation.

Oh, the title of the blog? The magnolia isn't actually referring to ME. I am not trying to channel any sort of "Steel Magnolia" or "delicate flower" vibe here. The magnolia is actually a tree. Really. I can see it right out my window. I hope it isn't dead from transplant shock, actually.

I suppose I could say a bunch of stuff about myself here--I always hate it when I find a new blog, and have to jump in without an introduction to the author. Then again, I will be very surprised if anyone reads this who doesn't already know me. Well, here are some basics. I'm a professor at a small school in a small "city" (feels more like a small town, with all the good and bad of small-town America) in Wisconsin. I am married, with 1.9 kids--my family is totally rad, and I will talk about them, but I really don't want to be a "mommy-blogger". I feel very strongly that my identity is more than that of mother, and I feel strongly that if that were not true, I would actually be doing a disservice to my kids. I like all sorts of things, which hopefully I'll write about in interesting entries, instead of in this intro. Oh, and I am pretty nervous that this blog is going to suck, and I hope it doesn't.