the trick is to keep breathing

Hey, new blog layout! Like it? I don't...not yet. I am not so much a fan of the colors. But I needed something that didn't clash with my keen new header photo. That is the eponymous midwestern magnolia, in our front yard, still hanging on to a bloom or two despite the lateness of the year. That will probably end tomorrow, in the rain and wind, come to think of it.

So....I promised a post about finding life balance, right? Well. I have no secret...no epiphany here. I think that, if I achieve this at all, it will be through a series of fits and starts. All I've got are some moments that I know are right. The St. Paul trip was one of those. And this morning was another. This was scribbled on a notepad earlier today...

I awoke to two insistent children, and equally insistent work emails...and oh yes, the clamor of dishes needing to be done, carpets to be vacuumed, and so on. I could have put in a DVD and had two hours of work time....but I also awoke, as many of us did, to sunshine and 70 degree weather. So I spent my morning and early afternoon sitting on a blanket in my back yard, watching Matthew and Benjamin play, and being fully there as their mom. What moments felt right? Well...

--Matthew's excitement (ok, and to be honest, mine) at watching the first of the small planes fly overhead en route to the air show. This is my favorite weekend of the summer--the very first Manitowoc event we attended was the airshow in 2006. Ever since then, this signals summer to me. And also--very fast, loud planes are, well, cool. I suppose I am betraying some ecologist principals by saying that--oh, the pollution! The fossil fuel consumption!--but I can't help it. Later this evening, as one of the prop planes practices flips and loops, Matthew exclaimed, "I didn't know planes could do that!!" So cool.

--Benjamin finally overcoming his trepidation toward all things lawn/grass and taking off across the yard, giggling all the way.

--Matthew bringing me "something you want", in his words--dandelions and other assorted wildflowers.

--Matthew bringing me a pretend bowl of ice cream, from the ice cream store (a precursor to our actual trip to the ice cream store).

--Having a moment to read and laugh--and cry--along with Michael Perry's Coop.

Now, lest I appear to be attempting the blog version of a Rockwell painting, let me illustrate why things are always...interesting...around here. While Matthew was pretending to bring me ice cream, he informed me that "you must eat your food before you can have ice cream." Since we were in the realm of the imaginary, I barely even thought before murmuring "Of course I will, sweetheart," while engrossed in a particularly compelling chapter involving the perils of purchasing ones first feeder pigs. I was jolted back to the present by my son presenting me with a 1 lb bag of frozen, shredded, mozzerella.

"Matthew, what are you doing?"

"You said you'd eat your food before having ice cream!"

I am relieved to say, the mozzerella found its way back to the freezer...all 1 lb of it.

Later, the kids will nap, and I will tackle work and clean in anticipation of visiting friends old and new(er). For now, I will sit back, and enjoy being in the moment, remembering that Shirley Manson and co. were onto something...the trick, sometimes, is to keep breathing.

everybody wants to be special here

I have a blogging problem. As in, I keep wanting to update this blog, but I have issues finding the words to connect to my thoughts. It's a strange dichotomy--I read beautifully written blogs by friends, and I am inspired to write my own entry. But then, I think of those beautifully written blogs, and think that my blather certainly must bore my readers (all TWO of them, I swear) to tears. So! What to do?

I suppose the only way to get better at this is to do it, so...

note: I just dropped the cap of my thermos into my coffee mug. This is not an auspicious beginning.

...the title of this entry comes from "Here Comes a Regular", by the Replacements. (that's Replacements, y'all. You know who you are. Hee.). This line struck me particularly as I reflect on the end of the academic year, and all the angst--and joy--that came along with it. Of course, the line has a certain "duh" quality about it--everybody wants to be special everywhere, but I think that academia creates a certain special pressure cooker effect. It's not enough to be yourself, you must be a star! The misconception of the easy life of a professor is especially galling to those of us who are on the ground. Although we may only spend 12-15 hours or so in the classroom each week, we certainly find plenty of ways in which we spend our days. There's preparing for class--doing readings, updating lectures, finding new and innovative ways to present class material. There's the grading...oh, the never ending grading and feedback (and most of us give many assignments, and steer away from cookbook/multiple choice work, in the name of effective pedagogy). There are the meetings with students--an enjoyable part of the job, but time-consuming nonetheless. And then there are the parts of our job that have little to nothing to do with teaching: research, grant writing, programmatic development, outreach, recruiting, presenting at conferences, writing papers, and--oh yes, the committee work and meetings. How could I forget those? My point is that the nature of the job is such that no matter how many hours a week you work, there is always more to be done. It's very easy to get into the mindset that you are not, and never will be, doing enough. You must always do more, be better, be more special. While this has its good effects--most of us are deeply committed to our jobs, and many of us achieve things we didn't know were possible, it also takes a toll on mental, emotional, and yes, physical, health.

note: boy, I like the double-dash--don't I? Anyway--

The culture of academia feeds this pressure. While the tenure system gives security to those who have it, those of us who are not there yet, or who are not tenure track, have very little security. We are reviewed every year by multiple people. We are asked every week to do more--to support this new initiative, to serve on this ad hoc committee. And most of all, because we are all in the same situation, it is easy for this mindset--that there is never enough--to seem normal. It's easy to tell yourself that you're doing the right thing, and your colleague who actually seems to have a life is a slacker. Sometimes that is true, but it's easy to go overboard. It's easy to say "you shouldn't go to the gym today, you have grading to do." Or "you can't go home at 4:00, what would people think?" And so wellness falls by the wayside. (Forget the Freshman Fifteen, my fear is the Tenure Track Twenty!). Soon the internal tensions spill out into the world, and working relationships/friendships/family relations can become strained. This, I have learned, is no way to live.

So, by the end of the year, it's easy to become burned out, cynical. To ask oneself "why am I doing this?" And then a series of things happen....

...you get together for coffee or drinks with colleagues and realize that this job has allowed you to work with some of the best people you've ever known.

...you get an email from a student thanking you for everything you've done for him/her

...your student evaluations are fair, and even contain some gems ("you made me love science!" "we love you!")

...you travel with two students, two of your research mentees, who would not have had the opportunity to pursue research at a larger school. You see the joy and pure interest they have in their project. You see how the project allows you, and your students, to build community--not just with each other, but with colleagues from other schools, and with other cultures and communities.

...you see others working hard to provide access and opportunity to others, especially those who may be ignored by traditional educational systems

And when those things happen, you realize--that is why you do it. At least, that's how it works for me. I know that the next years are going to be fraught with worry, with tension, with uncertainty. I will strive to remain certain that there is a reason for me to do this, and that is what matters more than any line on my tenure dossier.

(next: how i learned to stop worrying and...ok that doesn't work. how i learned to achieve work/life balance. ok, that's not even true. how i AM LEARNING to achieve work/life balance. there. close enough).

MD 20-09, part 1

nah, not a new type of cheap fortified wine. Mother's Day 2009, that's all...

So, yesterday, Steve called my parents to ask if they wanted some small, energetic visitors for the evening so that we could have a Hot Mother's Day Date. That consists of shopping at Target (we had coupons, y'all. Walking on the wild side!) and going to dinner. Sexy, huh? Well, we actually went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, Koreana in Appleton. So, at the last minute (as always), we had Matthew make some cards (one for his grandma, and a late birthday card for his grandpa), packed up the kids, stopped at the store for flowers, and headed to Neenah.

We've eaten at Koreana many times, but this was different. Usually, we arrive really early (around 5:00) because we either had a kid with us, or had a kid waiting at his grandparents' house. Now, we've found, the boys are willing to go to sleep at Grandma's and Grandpa's, so we could take our time. We arrived later to find there was a 30 minute wait. No problem--we sat at the bar, enjoyed a beverage (Steve had a Newcastle, I had a Riesling--I rarely drink it, but like it with sushi), and chatted about Steve's job and new colleagues in the industry. Our table was ready quickly, and we were seated near the window, where we could talk quietly but still enjoy the energy of the busy restaurant. We ordered our sushi rolls (spicy tuna, salmon, negi hamachi, and a tuna/shrimp mix) and entrees (bibimbap and rice cakes with beef), and settled in.

Our poor waiter....turns out, everybody wanted sushi that night, and the sushi bar was backed up. Our wait was quite long, but we didn't mind. He, however, got more nervous as the evening went on. We had told him at the beginning of the evening that we did not need the usual side dishes, but he brought them anyway so we would "have something in front of you." Now, I really mention that because of the sides. The sides are: kimchi (makes sense, in a Korean/sushi restaurant and it is very spicy and delicious), fish cakes (which are not like crab cakes, but almost a jerky-like consistency, marinated in soy, sesame, and something sweet. better than I can describe!), bean sprouts (not my thing, a little slimy in consistency), and....potato salad. Yes, potato salad. That American picnic staple, held together with mustard and mayo, scooped out into the dish with an ice cream scoop. I do not know how this became part of the Koreana side-dish repertoire. I wonder--is this something found at all Korean restaurants in the States, or is this peculiar to our little area of the world? They do put chow mein noodles on the top, so...yeah, I still don't know. Needless to say, we were hungry, so despite our earlier instructions, we nibbled on the kimchi and noshed on the fishcakes. The bean sprouts and potato salad were left sadly ignored.

Our sushi finally arrived, and as we reassured our waiter, it was worth the wait. I don't even think that was the second glass of Riesling I had during the wait talking. Fresh, delicious, wonderful. As Steve commented, "you really want to eat at a busy sushi restaurant." Our entrees followed quickly behind. We ate way too much, and left fat and happy.

While we were waiting, I had convinced Steve that we should make a stop on the way home for "dessert." As the "dessert" was a pint of local microbrew, you can imagine that it was not very difficult at all to convince him. I was more interested in where we were stopping than what we were having. When we were in undergrad in Oshkosh, a new brewpub opened on the waterfront. This quickly became our go-to place for when we could scrape together a little extra cash to celebrate an occasion. When we were in graduate school and would return to visit a former professor / now friend of ours, we would meet there. The food and beer was good, but mostly I loved the atmosphere--the airy building with high ceilings and a glass wall separating the brewing operations, and most of all the huge windows allowing an unimpeded view of the Fox River. The brewpub was a great success, and the owners have opened up several new ones, including Fratellos in Appleton and Milwaukee.

The newest Appleton location is great--they set up shop in the old (1909) Vulcan Hydroelectric Power plant. The building is restored beautifully, and although we've only been twice (both times after dinner, so have never been in the restaurant), the bar is gorgeous. It was packed this evening, so we sat at an unoccupied side table, against the window overlooking the dam. A waiter immediately asked if we had been helped, and told us about the brewery special, which was a blueberry beer. Now--you have to know that Steve and I hate any fruity-verging-on-wine-cooler beers. This blueberry ale is no Bartles and Jaymes. It is a light beer, with just a hint of blueberry flavor giving it complexity. The blueberries floating in the pint glass make for a fun visual. We sipped the beer, chatting about old memories, such as when we last had that beer, at the Oshkosh location, making plans for new memories, including bringing new friends with us next time we were at Fratellos, sneaking glances at the television in the bar to check the Brewers score (home run, Counsell! Oooh, and home run, Braun!!) and taking in the scene around us, both in the river outside (turtles! and, well, carp. but whatever) and in the restaurant inside . Turns out that white tuxedos are the fashion of the moment for Appleton prom-goers.

After our drink, we headed back to Neenah to pick up some very sleepy, but happy boys, and drove back to Manitowoc in the misty night, listening to selected songs on my iPod. Today, we'll spend time with the kids. But last night, reconnecting with my own self and my husband without the kids was just the Mother's Day present I needed.

Well, maybe that and a housekeeper. Is ANYONE going to clean up those damn Rice Krispies off the floor? I mean, really.

reflection

Ack. I wish I could write something that I wouldn't delete after hitting publish. I need to figure out how to write something worth reading.

stay tuned...

outsider

I want you to write an outsider poem. You can be the outsider; someone else can be the outsider; or it can even be an animal or inanimate object that's the outsider. As usual, get creative with the prompt and don't be afraid to stretch the limits.

Your world
is
blackberry
bluetooth
spreadsheet
superintendent

We sit
in the same room
you there
me here
close but
distant.

I wish we'd talk more.
This hectic life of ours leaves me an
observer, with my nose pressed up against
the glass.

I want nothing more
than for you to leave your world
And me to leave mine.
For us to walk away and create our own world.

origin

ok, please bear with me. I have a secret...I used to write. I stopped, probably in high school. But I always missed it. So, it's National Poetry Month, and my friend J. has inspired me. So, I'm doing this Writer's Digest poem-a-day thing...at least, until I get embarrassed and stop (in other words, this might be my only post). I am telling you now, I am NOT GOOD AT THIS. It is only for fun.

WD gives you prompts. The prompt today is: write an origin poem. It can be the origin of a word, person, plant, idea, etc. Have fun with it.

Never, she said. I will
Never
be that person.

A parasite! An alien being
feeding, sucking, taking, draining...
my life force
my freedom
my identity
Never, it's not for me.

Why would I trade
nights out with friends
intense late-night conversations
limitless possibilities
for

nights of feeding and soothing
discussions of diapers, and
the latest in pacifier technology?

i was set
i had the plan
i was good to go

then you were there, inside me
my beautiful parasite
my cherished alien
so guess what, my sweet?
i was that person

i am that person
who constantly struggles
to find the balance
i am that person
who can't quite believe
she once despaired at the thought of someone like you.

i am.
Always.

End of Year Quiz

I started this yesterday and gave up on it and then saw it again when I clicked over to read Sundry's site. She's inviting her readers to share, so I figured it was a sign. It would be super great and awesome and fun and rad if you were to post your own answers, either in the comments or on your own blog! As for me, here goes....

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Ate at Topolobampo. Steve and I had one of the chef's tasting menus, and it was deeeeeeelicious. I also inadvertently stared at Rick Bayless for a while, which was fun and not-at-all embarrassing (I was 7 months pregnant! I had come right from a conference! I was tired, and spacing out!). Apparently Topolo (as those in the know say, according to the website, oh aren't I la-de-dah special?) is/was a favorite of the Obamas. They were not there that night though. If they had been, I am sure I would have been staring like a damn fool for real.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't remember any resolutions, so either I didn't make them or I didn't keep them. This year my goal is to exercise more, and to complete the Couch-to-5k program.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Lots of people! I'll probably forget some, but, in no particular order...Jen and Chien, Jessie and Dave, Ron and Kathie, and Chris and Kim all welcomed little ones in 2008. And...hm. Who else? Oh.....yeah. ME!!! Hooray for the arrival of sweet Benjamin Michael, 7/17/08.

4. Did anyone close to you die? We were lucky enough to avoid losing anyone in our immediate family or circle of friends. Sadly, people whom we care about did deal with loss and tragedy this year.

5. What countries did you visit? Um....the United States? I didn't travel much this year, but hope to change that soon!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Ha. Tenure, but since I'm not up for that until 2011, I don't think that will happen. So...more free time.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Benjamin's birth, and I don't think I need to explain why!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Managing to survive! It was a rough one, with adjusting to life with 2 kids, an unexpected (but ultimately good) job change for Steve,

9. What was your biggest failure? This was going to be the year that I achieved some semblance of work/life balance. I am pretty sure I failed in that regard.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The only think I can really think of was the allergic reaction (reactions?) to something I had after my c-section surgery. An unexplained head-to-toe rash when one is recovering from surgery is not cool. I need to find out if it was an antibiotic allergy or not, because if it is, that's another whole group of antibiotics I can't take. So I'm crossing my fingers that it was something else!! So, all-in-all, I was pretty fortunate, since that's that comes to mind!

11. What was the best thing you bought? The Prius. I love it. And no, I don't get the optimal gas mileage out of it, since I don't drive long enough distances to work and back, but it's better than I would be getting out of any other mid-sized car in my price range. And, hatchback! I never would have guessed that I would love that so much.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Steve's. He's continuing to impress people around the state/country in his profession, and he has been an awesome dad every day to these boys.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Uhhh. Oh boy. I don't think I can really say. Let's just say that some people exhibited a significant lack of self-awareness this year, and I hope that changes in 2009.

14. Where did most of your money go? Hmmm. House/car/food/baby/clothing, probably in that order. Baby would be more, but hand-me-downs are quite helpful.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Baby! And the presidential election.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Heh. Any Justin Timberlake song. Or any song that evokes mullets and spandex. Because to me, 2008 and 1988 are the same thing.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier, for sure.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, but last year I was pregnant.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, in just about every way.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Traveled/ate out, even if it were just in Madison or Milwaukee. Relaxed. Slowed down and enjoyed the pregnancy, since it will likely be the last!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worried!

20. How did you spend Christmas? Oooh. This was the first Christmas where we got to spend at least some of it on our own. It was SUPER. So. Finals were done early for me this year (and did not get affected by the snow, lucky me!), so I had two days to get my baking/cooking/wrapping/Xmas cards done, and somehow I managed. On Christmas Eve, we watched the snow fall and hung out at home. When the kids went to bed, Steve and I put out snacks and drinks, and just relaxed together. Christmas Day, we opened presents here over breakfast and then went to my hometown to be with my family. The Saturday after Christmas, we went to Steve's hometown to be with his family. We did NOT do the Steve's-extended-family Christmas Eve celebration, which might have caused his family angst (I don't know, they didn't say anything), but saved our sanity and made the holiday better for our

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Oh, I'm so repetitive, but yes, with my little son.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Mad Men! We caught up with the first and second season on iTunes, and managed to watch the 2nd season finale in real time.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate...nope.

24. What was the best book you read? Oh man, I can't remember when I read what. They Marched into Sunlight was a really interesting read, but I don't know if it was the BEST book I read...

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Alexi Murdoch

26. What did you want and get? See, all of this ends up repeating itself. A healthy baby, a Prius, a kitchen scale, a real Christmas tree, Steve home more, stuff like that.

27. What did you want and not get? Hmmm. Well, I am sure there was something, there are always minor wishes that go unfulfilled. But I can't really think of anything major. I was pretty blessed this year.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Oh please. This is even worse than the books, because i'm not even sure I saw a film from this year! Unless King Corn counts..I like that. Hee.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don't remember what we did to celebrate...went out to dinner, had a quiet time at home, I think. I remember that my students sang Happy Birthday to me in lab though! That was pretty sweet. Oh, and I was 32.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A state budget without a shortfall? An economy not in collapse? Less stress at work, for sure, but that encompasses many things.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Classic Modern. Not trendy, but not stuffy, probably leaning toward preppy, things I can wear year after year.

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family. Wine club!! Coffee.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fancy? Or admire? Obama is all right with me, for one!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? There are so many! Science and math literacy in the United States, education funding, health care, equality issues, women's rights, environmental pollution...I can't really pick just one.

35. Who did you miss? Some of my friends from grad school, my advisor.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I think 2008 was more about getting closer to people I already knew. I met lots of cool people, of course, but to narrow it down to one best person is really difficult. Of course, the easy answer is Benjamin, but if you read this far you knew that already! One person I met who really made an impression on me is Maria--I am so insipred by her enthusiasm for life and commitment to living her principles.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. You get out of relationships what you invest in them, and sometimes you have to make not just the first effort, but the second, third, and fourth efforts before that effort is returned. But the wait can be worth it! .

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. It's times like these you learn to live again/ it's times like these you give and give again/it's times like these you learn to love again.