I never wanted kids....at least, not once I was old enough for it to be a reality. When I was young, I thought--well, I guess someday I'll have kids, but even then, there was no real certainty about it. And there was never any of that little kid attraction to babies. I never really liked playing with dolls--I preferred stuffed animals. I am an only child and only grandchild, so I was never really even around babies. So, I never thought about it.
When I got a little older, I did babysit, but I preferred kids ages 5+. Anything younger than that was boring.
By the time I got through college and into graduate school, I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. Or, if I *did* have kids, I would adopt. Not because of some Angelina Jolie-type altruism, but again, babies--ugh. And pregnancy? Horrified, terrified me...that must be like having some alien parasite in your body (note from 2008-me: Well, actually, it...kind of is. Really is. But at the same time, not so bad). Plus, I wasn't going to think about kids for a loooong time. I had things to do. First, Ph.D. Then, job...preferably at some small liberal arts college, hopefully in a really cool mid-sized city in a gorgeous location somewhere. And once my career was established, I was going to enjoy life...travel, freedom, money to do things....
...and so that was the plan. Then, in 2004, something changed. I don't really know why. I know when...we were camping with friends, who had a 1 year old at the time. These friends, R and K, were the first among our group to get married (10 years this month!!) and the first to have children. So they were not the norm, and I know this wasn't some sort of "Everyone's doing it, so we have to!" social pressure. But I digress. They had brought their laptop with them--so that they could play music while we were cooking, etc. And they, like most parents, had pictures on them. There was one, of their son in a strawberry patch, and R was kind of staring at it. His wife said, "What are you doing?" and he said, "Looking at my son."
"Looking at my son." Four words. Nothing monumental. Not even directed at me, or trying to expound on the wonders of parenthood. But when he said that, something changed in me. That night, I told S that maybe I wanted to do this thing. Two months later, I got pregnant with M.
So, we had our first, and it was great. Two years later, we started talking about expanding our family. A year before that, I had been SURE I wanted 2 kids. But after a while, I got used to M. as an only child. I still thought, we had agreed on 2, and that's what I want, so we went for it. But even after I got pregnant the second time, I had my doubts. Overall, I thought that it was right. But--how would I handle two? Was I being fair to M? After all, I was an only child, and although I would like to have adult siblings, I had a lot of resources (tangible and non-), that my friends from larger families did not. And what if I didn't love this child as much as M?
But, he is here. And now we are a family of 4. If I were to meet my college or grad school self, she'd be shocked. What happened to me? All my plans..what happened to them? I suspect she'd be a little disappointed. I do teach at a small school...but what else? I live in a small town, with not much excitement to it. Travel...ha. We've done some traveling in the States, but I haven't been out of the country since 2002.
And yet...and yet. We are a family of 4. It's not at all what I wanted...yet it's all I could ever want.
I know, I swore I wasn't a mommy blogger. And I'm not. But a lot has happened since my last post. Welcome to our world, baby boy.
When I got a little older, I did babysit, but I preferred kids ages 5+. Anything younger than that was boring.
By the time I got through college and into graduate school, I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. Or, if I *did* have kids, I would adopt. Not because of some Angelina Jolie-type altruism, but again, babies--ugh. And pregnancy? Horrified, terrified me...that must be like having some alien parasite in your body (note from 2008-me: Well, actually, it...kind of is. Really is. But at the same time, not so bad). Plus, I wasn't going to think about kids for a loooong time. I had things to do. First, Ph.D. Then, job...preferably at some small liberal arts college, hopefully in a really cool mid-sized city in a gorgeous location somewhere. And once my career was established, I was going to enjoy life...travel, freedom, money to do things....
...and so that was the plan. Then, in 2004, something changed. I don't really know why. I know when...we were camping with friends, who had a 1 year old at the time. These friends, R and K, were the first among our group to get married (10 years this month!!) and the first to have children. So they were not the norm, and I know this wasn't some sort of "Everyone's doing it, so we have to!" social pressure. But I digress. They had brought their laptop with them--so that they could play music while we were cooking, etc. And they, like most parents, had pictures on them. There was one, of their son in a strawberry patch, and R was kind of staring at it. His wife said, "What are you doing?" and he said, "Looking at my son."
"Looking at my son." Four words. Nothing monumental. Not even directed at me, or trying to expound on the wonders of parenthood. But when he said that, something changed in me. That night, I told S that maybe I wanted to do this thing. Two months later, I got pregnant with M.
So, we had our first, and it was great. Two years later, we started talking about expanding our family. A year before that, I had been SURE I wanted 2 kids. But after a while, I got used to M. as an only child. I still thought, we had agreed on 2, and that's what I want, so we went for it. But even after I got pregnant the second time, I had my doubts. Overall, I thought that it was right. But--how would I handle two? Was I being fair to M? After all, I was an only child, and although I would like to have adult siblings, I had a lot of resources (tangible and non-), that my friends from larger families did not. And what if I didn't love this child as much as M?
But, he is here. And now we are a family of 4. If I were to meet my college or grad school self, she'd be shocked. What happened to me? All my plans..what happened to them? I suspect she'd be a little disappointed. I do teach at a small school...but what else? I live in a small town, with not much excitement to it. Travel...ha. We've done some traveling in the States, but I haven't been out of the country since 2002.
And yet...and yet. We are a family of 4. It's not at all what I wanted...yet it's all I could ever want.
I know, I swore I wasn't a mommy blogger. And I'm not. But a lot has happened since my last post. Welcome to our world, baby boy.
1 comment:
oh, wow, this is just so lovely. now i have tears in my eyes:) such a thoughtful post, and such a thoughtful approach to the process of be-coming. we never really know, do we?
i, too, was destined for that small liberal arts school in a nifty place like maine, or vermont, or michigan. teaching students poetry. taking them on glorious trips. all while mr. wonderful and my golden retriever dharma and a little tow-headed girl played around.
OR there was just me being a free-spirited hippie chick.
OR leaving the SLAC for pastry school and a cute bakery.
i guess we never know the ways that we will change and our paths will change. and continue to keep changing.
you and your "dudes" are pretty darn special:)
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